"So firstly you see someone, and there’s that spark, there’s something that tells you that you should go for it. So you do, even though so many other times you would have just told yourself that there’s no point because nobody will ever like you.
But you go ahead and put your self out there, which is pretty rare in itself. And then somehow, for some reason, it actually works and you get along. It’s so rare that someone would show some genuine interest in you, well at least in your eyes it is. So you hold on to it, you keep trying to ignore that voice in your head that you’re not worth a damn.
And I’d like to say that it goes smoothly, but it doesn’t. You second guess yourself, wondering if she’s actually into you or if she’s just going along with it. Like so many others. You want to just be happy and go with it, but you don’t, and you just realise the only person you’ve got to blame is yourself. You throw yourself into making sure it works, because it’s one of the few things you’ve got that might work out for the best, that might make you feel like you’re not a complete fuckup.
But eventually, after months and months of second guessing yourself you finally get to a point where you’re comfortable and you’re in love. Where it’s just working.
And it’s just nice.
It’s really, really, really nice.
You start to think that you’re actually better than you give yourself credit, after all, if someone else can love you dearly, surely that means there’s something to love.
And then it’s just a week or two where someone is busy and you don’t meet up. It’s the other person forgetting to text back, or losing a phone or something that’s actually rather innocent.
And that brings everything back. It’s back to you thinking that there’s something wrong with you, inherently wrong with you. And you feel like shit for a while, until there’s some sign that you’re just being stupid and there’s no problem. Maybe it’s a cycle, maybe it’ll get better next time around and you’ll actually have some lasting change.
I just don’t know at the moment.
So it’s easier to fall in love when you think you’re shit. But it’s a bit of a rollercoaster, and in my experience you keep second guessing yourself that he/she’s actually in to you, because your instinct is to think that you’re not worth a damn, and it takes a lot to break out of that. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t try to find someone, just that it’s really tough at times.
The trick, for me at least, is knowing when you’re in a bad place because of your low self esteem and making sure that you don’t fuck anything up because you’re being an idiot.”